There are days when you just feel lonely even if you know you’re loved.
You come up with things like this - Emotional Landmines.
I cried a lot yesterday. I feel like I am still sad. I keep hitting “emotional landmines”, as a friend recently described them to me. To which she added, ”and usually when we least expect it”. I had to think about that for a while before I understood what she meant that day — emotional landmines. What are those?
After much contemplation I realize that what she meant was that it isn’t as easy as just saying “I’m going to move forward now” and everything suddenly turns peachy and life is perfect. Yes, the journey begins there. Just that simply. By recognizing the goal and committing to make a change. But when you get down and dirty with it, the words alone are just not enough. It also takes action.
What I realized is that as strongly as I want to make it change, I also, just as quickly and as strongly, get stuck. I go along the new path and from out of nowhere I hit an emotional landmine and get blown to bits all over again. When that happens it can be really paralyzing, very scary, very messy. Sometimes you even have to start all over again, right in the fog, putting all your limbs back on your body.
And kid, you’ve got to love yourself. You’ve got wake up at four in the morning, brew black coffee, and stare at the birds drowning in the darkness of the dawn. You’ve got to sit next to the man at the train station who’s reading your favorite book and start a conversation. You’ve got to come home after a bad day and burn your skin from a shower. Then you’ve got to wash all your sheets until they smell of lemon detergent you bought for four dollars at the local grocery store. You’ve got to stop taking everything so goddam personally. You are not the moon kissing the black sky. You’ve got to compliment someones crooked brows at an art fair and tell them that their eyes remind you of green swimming pools in mid July. You’ve got to stop letting yourself get upset about things that won’t matter in two years. Sleep in on Saturday mornings and wake yourself up early on Sunday. You’ve got to stop worrying about what you’re going to tell her when she finds out. You’ve got to stop over thinking why he stopped caring about you over six months ago. You’ve got to stop asking everyone for their opinions. Fuck it. Love yourself, kiddo. You’ve got to love yourself.
Never good enough
I really don’t know what I’m doing. I constantly seek some type of validation as a functioning adult. I mean, obviously I’m doing something right. It’s just that I never feel “there.” I never feel good enough.
The problem is that I seek this approval from everyone but myself I guess. How do I overcome this hurdle? How do I convince others that I’m not lost in the world when I can’t even convince myself? What would make me change my own mind? I just don’t feel confident in making decisions. I’m so afraid that I’ll regret something or that someone will stop liking me that I overwhelm myself with what ifs.