I always end up hurting everyone i get involved with.

I am so not worthy of any love. :(

Now is the time to put words into action. For such a long time, I’ve let people define me: who I am, who I should be. I have my own thoughts and they should be considered important even to just one person: me.

I need not let anyone think that I need to be taken care of. I can take care of myself. As subjective and conceited as it may seem, my life is how I make it. If I choose to bum around and keep myself closed up for the whole world to see, then that’s how I make of it.

For such a long time, I’ve told myself that I will change. Change is not the answer to the difficulty of understanding what I did wrong or why I upset people. No, it’s not. The answer is acceptance to what I’ve done wrong and then moving forward.

.

Whenever I’m happy, something that’s going to make me unhappy happens. Whenever I’m close to being happy, I think that something bad WILL happen, and so I try my best to be unhappy. My life right now is complete BS. I have nothing about myself to be proud of. I’m bummed, I get into accidents, I spend on unnecessary shit, and I DO NOT know how to budget my money. I’M A COMPLETE FAILURE.

Dad thinks I’ve been going out too much lately. True. But that’s only because he probably got used to the girl who spent 2 years working so hard, then decided to take MBA, rarely partied or went out at night or during the day except if it was on a date with mom, RR or cousins and even then I’d be home by 1am, sometimes even earlier. Yeah, that was pretty much my life for 2 years and as much fun that was, I was practically robbed of my social life. I don’t regret a thing, of course. I still had one of the best times with said people  but I definitely missed out on socializing with different people, with my best friends, with new found friends.

I spent 2 years cooped up in my own little world that I missed out on what a 23 year old girl should experience. Partying all night, having no care in the world, going home late, sleeping when the sun rises and getting up at 4PM, hangovers, meeting boys, etc etc. And so now I’m trying to catch up on all the years I missed out on. I don’t think dad quite understands that. I texted my mom asking for her take on the issue, but she’s been really bitchy and PMS-ing like crazy lately… She wasn’t been more supporting about my new found social life, though. She was the one who was always telling me to explore my options and see what the world has to offer and I wish I listened to her back then. Moms really do know best.

• I have to finish my final word article due tomorrow
• I haven’t started yet cause I don’t have earphones to listen to my music which will put me in the mood to write
• I have to review more for Stats where I’m basically having a not-so-good grade
• Meanwhile, I’m answering the guide questions for MarkCommn right now
• It’s 4pm and I’m still contemplating whether to drop by at UST later
• Also, I haven’t eaten lunch yet, have no appetite at all :(
• I really really want to breakdown and cry. No really. I’m serious
• Must not forget to pack my stuff for this weekend’s road trip 
• What is going on with my life?

Because:

1. I need to lead our group for the presentation
2. I need to practice the routine
3. I need to organize for the solicitation as well as the props and costumes
4. I need to attend a meeting IDK
5. I need to fix and nudge someone about my transfer 
6. I have too much leave for the past 2 months now, I might get another memo LOL

but uh I can even leave my room or even eat since Friday. I haven’t talk to anyone lately too except for my mom who keeps on bugging me to go out. A lot of my friends keep on asking me what’s really goin’ but I’m just in too much despair right now that’s why I’m not the mood to share. 

I know most of my colleagues are enjoying this long weekend, I mean who wouldn’t? Having money rocks but so does having free time. Gahd, I’m so jealous.

SIGH!!!!!!! I think this is Mother Nature’s way of punishing me. 

I still can’t stop crying. I feel like a crap. I don’t think I could ever get over this incident. I will be forever haunted with this guilt. 

Friday

- Meeting with Finance / Operations Department

- More work

- Client call

- Impromptu dinner with ex-workmates from another bank

Saturday

- School. More discussions…

- Spent the entire evening at Taft condo reviewing.

- How boriiiing…

Sunday

- School

- Dinner date at Jabbeee. Strawberry sundae <3

- Spending the rest of this night here at Fairvew home with RR and do a lot of catching up. 

Maybe, it’s really just me.

I want to say everything is okay, but it’s not.

I’m distant.

Being distant from so many people I wish I could grow closer to;

And also go back to the good ‘ol days of how we all used to be.

So many new things that annoy and bother me that didn’t before, and now I’m hating… better yet disliking so much of what I shouldn’t.

What the hell’s wrong with me? 

• got stranded in Edsa traffic for 4 hours last night
• my car’s bearings suckbolz
• got home before midnight
• woke up around 5
• went to office only to find out that your 8:30 meeting is cancelled which is the ONLY reason why you came in the very first place