All I do is sit in front of the TV on the bed, my eyes barely left the screen today. I was watching Modern Family, Walking Dead, CSI alternately while I pigged out on four-cheese pizza, cookies, marinara pasta and peach mango pies. I haven’t done anything productive lately, except maybe working out for like 3 nights now. I keep telling myself I’ll sleep earlier, so I can adjust my body clock back to normal, but I never do. I keep telling myself I’ll start dieting but I never do.

I’m PMS-ing so bad. I just want to get out of this house already and travel and get to a place where I can get peace and quiet and where I can be alone and think straight. I just need to be completely alone for a a few good days. I miss my alone time. But guess what? It’s happening in 2 days and I’m pretty fghjkl stoked!

Probably there’s a note on my forehead that reads please handle with care: FRAGILE. But just like any other warning, nobody ever really cared.

I believe that all of us are at least once have been wounded. We have been scarred and despite the many times that we cut ourselves open, tried to suture and heal, we are no longer our same self the ever first time we were cut open. The scar endures and has been our reminder of a bitter past.

I have to say that I have a few number of scars that I’ve been nursing. It may be brought about by failed expectations, childhood frustrations, family issues or maybe some matters of a frail heart. 

We were all wounded, one way or another, nobody has started on a clean sheet. we are all flawed, broken and changed.

It is surprising how people judge us for a single mistake that marked our clean slates and never been vindicated from it, despite our best efforts to amend what has been wrongly done.

Life is as easy as cut, suture and close. Nobody has ever started perfectly whole. We were all broken, damaged and flawed. 

Whenever I’m happy, something that’s going to make me unhappy happens. Whenever I’m close to being happy, I think that something bad WILL happen, and so I try my best to be unhappy. My life right now is complete BS. I have nothing about myself to be proud of. I’m bummed, I get into accidents, I spend on unnecessary shit, and I DO NOT know how to budget my money. I’M A COMPLETE FAILURE.

1) I swear all Raphael I know are hard to read.

2) Maki craving.

3) I feel like the only reason I… is because… and because of…

4) No smiling! It is not cute! Okay, maybe it is but… no. Just no.

5) Gosh darn it, distract me! Please?

6) I really want to write a good piece but I don’t know where to start.

7) Can you just please let me go? 

8)  Looking forward to the weekend, weekend. 

I still couldn’t believe I’m finally free from school! Woot woot! What’s more unthinkable was the fact that I survived my very first term of my MBA class! Hahaha. Now, I just have to wait for my grades and see if I really did survive lol. I will definitely miss all the stress, hectic schedules and rushing deadlines for sure because I wouldn’t be enrolling for the next term. I need to conclude and decide first on what exactly I really want to do  when it comes to my ~*professional life*~. I’m not gonna lie, but work is kind of downright horrible right now, things are very hazy and a lot people are being assh****, and if it wasn’t for my real friends’ support the whole time,  I might have gone down to the loony bin. 

I spent the Saturday taking my final exams for 8 straight hours, and then P and the rest of my MBA classmates decided to go out to a dinner to celebrate our freedom and actually hang out since we haven’t really done it the entire term (I only got to spent time with P, the other d00d, and that cute bratty girl) heehee. We had a really good dinner at Sumo Sam at Power Plant and I really enjoyed that time with them nerds. Hahaha. Too bad I wasn’t able to get really close with them. =( 

Sunday was spent on sleeping and playing with my sweet, cutie-patootie dog and the other half was spent with P who took me out on dinner + shopping! He also gave me some advice and thoughts to ponder and consider. I seriously love intellectual conversations. 

Meanwhile, today is such a beautiful, beautiful day! Been a while since I woken up to a sweetest way you could ever imagine, thus my heart is filled with so much happiness, it’s getting fat! Heheee :) Went to a coffee run before heading to work to finally get P’s CBTL’s planner. Yep, I was late again but knowing that you have the whole day to yourself without any negative people around is such a fantastic treat! Hoping for more harmonious days like these in 2012. 

1. Perfume - either my ever fave Clinique Happy or my newly obsession Vera Wang Princess.
2. Running Shoes- I’m considering to take running more seriously next year thus a perfect pair of running shoes is badly needed. 
3. Hair Flat Iron - I’m kind of engross with my new long semi-blonde straight hair right now, plus this is such a cute zebra flat iron, who wouldn’t want it? Sorry, I’m vain like that.
4.  Kicks - I think this would be perfect for my Vans shoe collection, isn’t it? 
5. Mobile phone -  because I’m having love-hate relationship with my 2-year old curve, Candace right now. It’s not healthy anymore! I need a new BFF.
6. Laptop - I seriously think my 3-year old Vinny should retire now and it’s about time to turn pro.
7. Beach trip - because I miss the sun touching my skin, the white sand on my feet and just bum around the beach.  

It is neither Christmas nor Valentines. I am not PMS-ing, I just didn’t enjoy lunch. 

I’ve been second-guessing myself recently. Is this the industry I’d like to work with for the long haul? Am I happy with how things are going? Am I too tired of being overcritical about things that I just let them be?

I lost it.

I lost my passion for life.

Anyone who would tell me I’m perfectly fine is definitely insane. Or perhaps, I’m too good in concealing things.
I’m sad. I’m lonely. I’m indifferent.

Probably, I’d rather be at home, housekeeping. Cooking, cleaning and taking care of my future kids – For crying out loud, I am single for almost 2 freaking years. But it was a choice. A choice I gladly made and embraced. But things have to be different. I want something new, something that would amuse me, something that would ignite the same passion I have lost.

It has been a cruel world with cruel people.
Believing I am okay is perfectly insane. Some people try to care. Some people are just too insensitive.

 It is neither Christmas nor Valentines, I just didn’t enjoy lunch.

I am happy with the people I’ve known and who have stayed with me through the years.

To friendships I have kept and let go…

For people who have accepted me for who I am and all the more loved me for who I am not.

I am happy for a fact that I’ve outgrown longing for people I can no longer have… I only wish them the best.

I am happy for the people, I am with and without…

I may have had lost precious people, things or memories on my journey but a part of me will always be with them.

For every mistake, every failure, every breaking moment, I bravely endured every minute with trust that these are happening for a reason…

They made me who I am today —- tough yet kind, intimidating yet loving.

but I’m going with the flow.

I’m not in the mood for anything complex and I’m fine with what we are. Just as we are standing alone without any rules or complications, I’m cool with it. 

I’m not yours and you’re not mine?

Whatever happens, happens. I’m kinda done with dating guys, because I only want you. I don’t wanna see anyone or even talk with other guys cos it often drains my energy and I feel like I’m just wasting my time. I also need to concentrate on more important things like my ~werk~ and this Personal Statement of Academic and Career Objectives that I’ve been trying to finish since last week. 

Sure, it feels nice having someone being there to make you smile and make you feel completely amazing inside and out, but I’m just really tired of being confused and helpless.

I’m going nowhere and you’re not either, so we can just do whatever because that seems to be the only solution of making everything work anyways.

JUST DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY BECAUSE YOU KNOW ABSOLUTELY THAT I’LL ALWAYS BE HERE.

Like me, I’d rather not feel emotions because it means I’ll be sticking around for a lot longer than I would plan to. I’d rather feel it at that moment and move along. If there’s nothing left for me to feel, I’ll just leave it at that.

I don’t want to keep running back to something that was felt from months ago. I mean, sure it was wonderful and delightful, but that was then, and now is now. We all can recall our past and regret what we should have said and done, but why can’t we just live it up now?

A lot of people say I’m not that emotional, but you know, if you know me well enough, I very much am. I just like hiding it, like every other human being.

I’m not just some cold-hearted person, it may seem like I am, but I’m really not. No one is, I believe. Everyone has feelings and emotions that they’re just too proud of showing.

Another fierce number! I love this song.

So last Friday, I tag along again with my beckie sisters in their party spot. It was so funnnnn. It’s always awkward going there but they were all nice and will make you feel home. I had too much vodkabulls so I kept on dancing too.